Daily Archives: May 14, 2012

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Motherhood


I have been a mother since I was 19 years old which seems like ages ago to me. I grew up with the same knowledge that, “When you’re a mother, you can’t have time for you.” “All your time is for your child and you have to sacrifice everything.” “You have to keep your eyes on that child every second and that is your job and that is all you can do.” “You have to give up your happiness and dreams.”

These messages and statements never fit well for me, it is similar to the messages sent out that, “You can’t put yourself first, if you do you are selfish.”

I once spoke to someone a long time ago and he said to me, “Just as a fire fighter, you put your mask on so you can save others.”

I am here to tell you and remind you that when you are a mother, you do not have to sacrifice everything. You do not have to give up all time and you do not have to lose all happiness because you have a child. You are a mother and to be a mother, there is something every mother should know and take with them and understand. You have to have time for you and you have to take care of you or you will lose the ability and know how of how to take care of others.

I didn’t live this way through my marriage, I did sacrifice and I did spent every second taking care of my husband and my child and I forgot how to take care of me. I forgot over the years and I looked to others to make me happy and depended on them to help me because I forgot how to take care of me. I was following the message that is given to us growing up. I did this gradually, I lost sight of myself and I made mistakes because I didn’t have any fuel for my soul because I was giving it all away and I was taking care of everyone but me and I lost how to care for me. I lost how to be happy with me and I slowly lost how to take care of others.

My marriage fell a part and I am not saying it is me because it breaks on two ends, but this is my part. I lost myself and I sacrificed and didn’t take care of me. I wasn’t happy with my life and I wasn’t happy with who I was or what I had. I had lost sight of everything because I had no fuel. I had given it all away.

When my marriage ended in April 2010 I began to find myself and I began to take time for me and care for me because I had no one. No one was there to depend on, I was alone and I felt alone and I was scared. I wasn’t lost and sad anymore, I was terrified and I was alert and awake and it was a difficult time for me. It was difficult to go from giving and losing myself and sacrificing everything including myself, to not having anyone to lean on and being along with the situation that was now a fire burning me. I changed homes, I left my husband, I left behind my children, I got pushed down and insulted by my neighbors and in-laws while pregnant with my son Niki and I dealt with the unstable emotional ups and downs of my boyfriend Michael.

I began to discover over time that I needed to take care of me, because no one else was going to. I needed to be happy and I needed to do what was best for me so I could get into a good balanced place emotionally and physically and mentally. I have gone through many changes since April 2010 and for the better to. I have undergone, divorce, custody, change in lifestyle, low self of esteem, breakups, miscarriage, abuse, break ups, getting help to support myself and my child, court, more break ups, hospital visits, being sick, being anemic, living alone, going grocery shopping by myself, paying bills, doing everything for myself. Every day I do something and learn something knew.

I have gone through so many changes and grown up so much and it was then when I learned how to take care of me again.

I am more balanced now and I am more happy and I am able to have the fuel I need so that I can be a good mom for my children. Better than I was. All because I stopped sacrificing and I started taking care of me and remembering that it’s important to do things for me and take care of me and find out my dreams so that I can be there for others.

The message is clear. “Take care of you”

Motherhood is not about sacrifice, it’s about a balance and finding a balance so that you can be a good mom for your children and teach your children that it is essential and important to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. To live a balanced life.

Every day it’s a struggle, the world is changing and there are so many obstacles that come our way, but we must learn to stop… breathe and take a moment to remember what we need to be able to go forward.

I love my life and I love my children and I love how far I have come and I am thankful of where I am now. I get lonely, but I am balanced and able to rise from it and take care of myself and reassure myself and do something good for me that makes me feel good. SOmething I need, so that I can live a balanced life.

The world is changing and it’s time we understand that the messages we give to our children will have an impact and many of these messages have caused unpleasantness and caused destruction and I think going into the future there will be better messages given for our future generations. In fact I have seen and heard new messages that I agree with coming into play and being spoken and people are speaking out what would be covered up years ago.

We are learning we have a voice and we can learn to communicate and solve problems and help each other through understanding which comes from communication and finding a balance among us. This is the future.

Tell me? How many of you have sacraficed who you are?

How many of you have forgotten how to take care of yourself?

How many of you are not happy with your life or who you are?

When did you learn to take care of you? And how is your life now that you do?

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In the presence of men I’m…Rajesh?


I posted a blog about how I managed to get my sofa taken downstairs but I didn’t go into details of how it came to happen and the journey of it so I thought I would share my story since I’m still laughing about it. It’s really quite a funny  little story and proves how weirdly shy I am and nervous when talking to men. I was with my mom at home and we decided to go out and I was just discussing with her how I needed to get rid of my sofa by Friday when I get my new sofa, well used sofa that is because it’s not new.

I know the thrift store wont take it and I was mentioning to mom how I keep running into the maintenance guy in my building and we hardly speak. I just giggle and he says hi and watch out for paint is usually how short the conversation is. ha!

So I was walking down the hallway to leave with mom and I saw the guy painting and I decided to ask him, I figured just go for it because I really need to get rid of this sofa and mom was with me so she gave me courage. Heres how it went,

Me “Hi… um… I know your just the maintenance guy and you probably don’t do this but I was wondering if you knew anyone that wouldn’t mind moving my sofa from my apartment to downstairs so I could get rid of it. I don’t know anyone so…”

Him “Is that a weird way of asking me to do it?”

Me “Um.. well yeah. I didn’t know who else to ask.”

Him “Okay.. I’ll do it for you.”

Me  ”Wow.. really? “Thank you so much.”

Him “how big is the couch, a love seat?”

Me “A little bigger than one”

Him “DO you have a pen so I can give you my number since your going out. What time are you going to be back?”

Me “In about an hour… Um I think I have a pen.” Looks through purse.

He takes out a pen and finds a paper and starts giving me the number while my mom  talks about how I have three other kids after he asked about Niki and how old he was and then he mentioned how he has two girls and the situation with his ex etc and mom was chatting about mine and how i have three others etc.

Okay so then I get the number and we are all talking now about other stuff like custody and kids and ex’s and then  I hand back the pen and paper and he tells me to give him a call when I’m back so he can come get the sofa. I say okay and mom and I go to leave when I realize I don’t know where I put the paper with his number on it so I am like,

“Wait… where did I put the number.”

Him “Did you give it back to me?”

He checks and realizes I did and gives it back and says, “you probably took my pen and gave me the number back.”

Me “Did I?”

Then we both laugh and then I leave.

Then he came to get sofa later after I called and he’s like, “This isn’t a love seat.”

Hahahaha

The sofa is so big and bulky I can’t even believe he got it out of here. What a funny little story. I still can’t belive the way I asked him, “Is that a weird way of asking me?” hahahaa

One thing you should know about me is I aint one to ask for things. I kind of hint at what I need or want and hope the other offers to avoid having to really ask. I am not sure why, I just don’t  want to ask and I  find it really difficult to. hahaha

Oh and then he  was very surprised when he found out I was almost 28 and when he thought I was 16. Rofl

I just said “I’m immortal” and he responded, “A vampire?”

I said, “yes.” and that was pretty much the last thing besides where he told me to put the cushions when I take them down.

I am so glad and relived the couch is gone. :)

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The Ugly Couch is gone!


The ugly couch is gone, the ugly couch is gone, Lord have mercy the ugly couch is gone!

I ran into a nice guy who works in my building who does maintenance and I asked him if he wouldn’t mind taking my couch out and bringing it downstairs and he did it for me. Thank goodness because the thrift store refused to take it away because it isn’t in very good shape at all. :)

I am so happy it is gone and now I can get a new one on friday :)

I still have to get rid of the cushions though, but that wont be hard to do. :)

Niki’s making good use for it for now though :)

Hahaha he’s very entertained playing with mama’s keys on it :)

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I love you


When you say I love you and they don’t say it back it hurts. I know from experience this very thing, though the words are spoken, the feeling is not there. You tell yourself they will and you tell your heart to wait for them to change their heart of hearts and pick you. You tell yourself that one day they will love you the same way you love them, since all you need is love, but then you remember that you can’t force love and there is no some day. There is just now and your heart that pains the truth of no gift back from the one person you long to have in your life.

I know this very well, since I am still trying to let go and no matter who I am with I still think of them and I still can’t escape the feelings or the memories that were actually worth having and worth keeping. I know it’s a lost cause to hold on, but my heart still does, but then I realized something huge. I realized that God gave us each a heart to love and show compassion for someone and to give without any expectancy to get back. To simply love because we love and no other reason. I love this someone simply because I love them and I have expressed it in so many ways, shapes and forms and I am not expecting a return because I know there is nothing that fallows, but I feel good knowing they know and just loving someone feels good to me.

I also know that one day I will feel what it’s like to be given love in return and what it is love to give to one that returns and the wait will have been worth it. It may not be the someone I want now or in the past, but it will be someone who will love me the same and that is a very special love to share and hold onto.

I am now accepting of what my heart feels and I am not in denile of it and I am not running from it any longer because it is a gift to love and it is a blessing. It is one of the most wonderful things about why I love souls and why I love God for his creation of man. For all the love that is still existent in this world. For all the hearts that love without expectancies, but simply love because they love.

Love is beautiful and I am glad I love

One day I will feel it back and that day I will look up and know God has heard my prayers, but for now my love is there and present and is among the world and many feel it. For I love many and I love many things and I love many animals and creations of God. I love because God gave me a heart to love and I love because without love there is nothing. I love because there is nothing but love inside of me to give.

I love because I have a heart

Why do you love? How do you love? And who do you love?

 

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I’ve got an idea


Gawd when do I not formulate ideas. I wake up and I have like five and then I go through them one by one and pick the lucky four leaf out of the patch. I have thought of a way to keep the cat food thief from getting to its golden treasure. The idea comes in two words. Can you guess it?

Scare Crow!

Yes.. I am not sure how I’ll find a small 2 footer one but I will and give the crow a big scare the next time it swoops down to treasure island to take cuddles food.

“Not happening Crow Man!”

 

 

 

 

 

So I went to a thrift store and I came across a scare crow. hahahaha The chances of that huh? rofl

here it is