My book Aquarian has now arrived. I love it so much, it looks incredible and I feel so great to have accomplished it and to have wrote this touching magical story that is filled with so much love, passion, action, mystery and fantasy that will bring a whole knew look on life once you read it. Enter the world of Ava Jewel by picking up a copy of Aquarian TODAY!
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In a second moment, gives a chance
In a moment, life can make you dance
In a solid step you take your risk, you spin your feet and twirl your hair out from the sheets
You take flight in a meadow, where grass grows green and flowers bloom bright, of purples and pinks
on lips you taste heaven on silk and sink your soul into your feet
In a letter I wrote and a prayer it was heard on a softened cheek
In a stare he whispered, in a breath he spoke words he could not speak
Upon a rooftop beneath the stars, this is the magic that dances in my arms
In one moment a world can change
in one moment a life can shift from salty tears to kiss of pearls
In a breath a heart can begin to beat
In this moment he came to me
Inner peace of sacred mind. Spirt bound of countless time. He knows no bounds to what he thrives, he knows no mercy to my vines. He takes and does not give no line, he waves his hand and throws his wine. I dare not gaze upon his eyes, he glares of hatred, my tongue is tied. I know no words he speaks his lines, I know no way to meet his size. Over shadows he glares me down, above my collar he holds his time. Dare he speak his words of false truth. Dare he cast his useless fruit of bitter taste on bitter tongue. Dare he stare me down in hate, with witness eyes behind windows pine. Dare he point and snicker loud, dare he sing his pride aloud. Religious hat he seals his crown, but behind his feathers he strikes me down. His words of swords, he dares to pry.
I know not of this man, I know not of his ways. I know not of his wisdom of false face. I know not of his hands, he has no touch, his voice is silent and his eyes are blind. I do not know this man who stares, who cuts me down and points his prize. I do not know this man, not I.
Tricky tongue of saucy hands, his hair grows long and his shadows fade. He paints his portrait, you force your gaze. This man is not who he claims to be, he is not your friend and not in faith. I do not know this man, do you?
Niki went out without the double stroller for the first time. I taught him how to hold on while walking and he did the whole way to the park n back. I am so proud of him.
I couldn’t believe how well he listened to me, I was a little worried because I was going to bring our puppy Mimi with us but she was tangling her leash around the stroller just after leaving my apartment and I chickened out. I thought, hmm… chasing Niki and a dog, not so good. So I decided to teach Niki how to listen and walk with the stroller and then build up to taking the puppy with us. Niki did so well that once we reached the park and I sat down on a bench he waited for me to tell him it was okay to go play and then when he saw me leaving he ran up to the stroller and held on and walked with me home without my having to even ask him to. I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock and happy at the same time. He made me so proud and I told him how he did such a wonderful job listening and walking next to me. He’s wearing a harness as well, but it can unhook the strap part. He wasn’t hooked on so he was walking on his own. I know some people frown on a harness on a child, but I am going to be frank with you all as a concerned parent. If you have to peer your eyes away from your child for a second to look both ways or what ever it may be, your child could easily dart it across the road and god only knows what then. So a harness is a wise choice when there are cars present. I have three children with disability so I had to use it on them to go for walks because they didn’t quite understand that it was dangerous until around four years old.
I am so happy for Niki, look at him
He’s growing up so fast and becoming such a good handsome well behaved little man.
Sometimes life cuts you short and casts you out and no matter how many weights hold you down you fight to lift them off of you. Strength is internal and it rises in us each time we fall, it is to a virus as it is to a cell fighting it off and once it finds the cure it remembers how to over come it. We come through many obstacles in life and some of the most challenging are the ones that connect to our emotional core. My heart is a song and it plays what I feel. My mind is a scrabble board always trying to think of the right words to make the best move forward. My life casts so many shadows and every ray of light that catches my eyes I take a moment and breathe in and out and take a second to capture what I am about to step into. I have learned to slow down and pear out. I have learned to enjoy and how to use my emotions and words in the best ways I can. I have learned many things, but none prepare you for the next obstacle you have no logic or experience in. Life is a coconut.
I just wanna break the damn thing open and taste the milk inside and eat from the core, but it’s hard outer layer protects the flavor, the magic inside from damage and false taste. It allows us the ability to gain patience and structure and strength. it gives us the possibility to find our own way in and enjoy what lies within.
When will I taste of it’s magic… when will I swim in my silky bath of goodness and devour the secret withheld at hand.
My life is a Coconut
Cheers to that!
Author: Mandie Shaffer
There was a time when life made sense,
when living was more than another day,
where a life was more than a second glance, a
taste more than a flavour, a sound more than
a whisper. There was a time my eyes could
effortlessly open to a morning where everyone
I ever cared about, ever loved and lived with,
laughed and cried with was there when I opened
That life was gone, leaving me alone in a
cold dark world filled with the blood of my family.
A scar would remain on my heart; a tear would
permanently stain my cheek.
To forget, how could I when all that had
mattered to me had burned from beneath me.
A title wave of lava burning my body and mind,
chaining me down to the grounds beneath me I
struggled to break free. Why
Why would I try to break free when I wanted
nothing more than to die, nothing more than to
join my family, to join my kind, but how could I.
I could not die I was immortal. I could not
run away from the truth that was before me, I
was weak and helpless. I was dream deprived,
I was lost and alone in a big world filled with
nothingness but the sound of my own heart
beating, my breath rapidly exhaling and inhaling,
the over whelming smell of fresh blood all around
With every step forward, I could hear the
sticks and debris beneath my feet crunch and
crackle. I could feel the breeze on my face trying
to phase out the overwhelming stench.
With my arms crossed tightly over my brown
jacket I made my way through the Aquarians
drowning in blood all around me, stepping over
arms and legs, still bodies that once were, but
will never again, be with me. Their warmth had
gone, their souls had passed on, and I could feel
the wind carry away all signs of life from them.
The meaning of my life was jaded and I
was taken aback while gazing into the blinding
sunlight. My body ached although my body
does not feel pain, my head pounded. My knees
knocked together with every step closer to my
home. A broken wooden house, debris scattered
across the residence. A tear rolled down my
cheek staring at the home of my fathers. The
home he built with his own hands.
I glanced down at the remains of the home
scattered about seeing the leg of a man buried
beneath the rubble. As I got closer, I could make
out the brown shoe that my father had worn. My
heart pounded compressing the thoughts that my
father may be the man beneath the rubble. I was
frozen afraid to find out when I heard a silent cry
from the pile of debris.
“Ava . . .” the cry became louder.
“Father . . .” I cried, running towards the pile
crashing down onto the ground grabbing at the
pieces of glass and wood throwing them behind
me, uncovering my father who lay beneath the
rubble bloody and bruised.
“Father . . .” I uncovered his body, slipping my
arm beneath him, around his back and shoulder.
I held him up hearing the sound of his heart
beginning to slow ever so quickly.
“Ava . . .” he lifted his large hand covered in
fresh blood stained of black oil. He placed his
hand to my cheek staring up at me; I could see
the pain in his eyes.
“You mustn’t be here . . . you must go
immediately before I . . .” he struggled to
continue letting out a deep dry cough.
“I won’t leave you.” I cried wrapping my arms
around him tightly soaking my clothes in his
“Have you forgotten the stars . . . have
you forgotten?” he breathed trying to help me
“Let them fall and crush me.” I roared. “Let
them take me as they have taken all of you.”
I shouted to the sky above staring at the two
moons in the distance. “Let night come and
take me with you. I will not live as one. I won’t
“You mustn’t be angry my daughter. You must
go to the underworld until life above has settled.”
“I won’t.” I growled. “I refuse to leave you.”
His heart faded as he took his last breath. I
screamed feeling his body go limp.
“Father!” I screamed, “no! Father!” I cried,
rocking his body slowly. The sky became angry,
the sun fell, and darkness crept over the land
quickly. I rose from my father’s body staring
up at the stars forming in the sky above. Tears
streaming down my face I glared.
“You said you’d always be here!” I held my
hands in tight fists, “You promised!”
The sky roared and the stars shook in the
sky, “go ahead!” I shouted loudly.
The stars shook in anger; I could feel my
knees knocking together in fear.
“Go on and take me.”
A star fell from the sky and shot down onto
the ground in an explosion. The earth cracked
forming a wall of fire and debris flying at me. The
pressure of the explosion shot me up into the air
covering me in dirt, feeling boulders strike me.
The earth was angry with me, the stars were in
pain watching as my body was tossed in the air
smacking into bricks and boulders cutting up
my skin. Fire blaring around me, I could feel the
I landed on the dirt two thousand feet from
my home smack down on the ground. I struggled
to get to my feet. I stood up snakingly, my face
and body covered in dirt and mud, my clothes
torn up and covered in my father’s blood. I glared
up at the stars furious.
“Is that all you’ve got!” I shouted.
I opened my arms to the stars, provoking
them to kill me.
“You will not be harmed.” A kind
understanding voice spoke from the sky above
me. I shook my head believing I was already
dead and I was in heaven until I looked around
me realising heaven had not been where I was.
“Your father spared your life.”
“I wish to die.” I pleaded.
“Death . . .” the voice paused in sadness.
“Death will not be granted.”
I picked up a boulder throwing it against a
building. “I said kill me!” I shouted loudly in rage.
There was no answer.
“Do it?” I screamed, “Now”
The wind gently blew through my thick black
curls and I knew the stars had refused to take
me. They had spared my life as my father had,
they were angry with me though understanding
to my rage. They would not let my anger towards
them cause them to make an irrational decision
that my father would disagree upon.
My father was a lord of great respect to
our people and the universe; they would never
disrespect his honour. I should have been
grateful, but I was angry at the world, I was
angry with my father, but most of all I was angry
with myself. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could
have stopped the war; I wish I could have done
something to prevent the bloodshed.
Nothing could have prevented, such a
traumatic outcome, there was nothing, anyone
could have done, my father tried to stop Renown
from bringing war to our people, but he refused
to reason. He refused to come to a truce;
instead, he wanted an end to our kind, to his own
kind then to have us continue with life.
Renown was an Oiler, a mystical being
far greater than an Aquarian. Oilers were
killers amongst the world. They were oil to
water and were the beings who posed a great
threat to us. Renown did not reason, he had
no understanding for our people. He had
no remorse or mercy; he wanted death and
welcomed it openly.
I sometimes wondered if there would come
more of them to destroy a new world, but I had
not to worry. Years passed by and still no life
above me on land. I was doomed to walk the
world in silence and it frightened me, I spent
most days keeping busy underwater building
onto my underwater world my father and I had
I missed my father very much, his strength,
his heart, the way he laughed, his respect and
understanding for life. He was a man I looked up
to greatly and only hoped that there would come
a time when I could be see him again.
As you all know my new book Aquarian is getting closer and closer to being ready for you to get your hands on one and I am very excited about this. I want you all to enjoy the beautiful story of Ava Jewel that I have created. It is a whole new world and it is filled with magic, spirituality and wonder. If you are a fan of fantasy and poetry then this is the book for you. Ava Jewel is a very poetic creature filled with mystery and magic.
I just got finished approving the Galley and the Cover and it looks incredible. I can’t believe how beautiful it is looking, I am so happy to be able to publish this book and I am so inspired I have even started writing a new book to publish next. You will not be waiting years for my fallowing book I promise.
Aquarian will be available through the authorhouse website, black bond books, Amazon, barnes and nobles and I will be marketing for it to even be in libraries and book stores near me. I have already spoke to a book store who is interested in my book and I look forward to bringing them a signed copy.
I will post more information on how to get a copy of one of my books soon. It will also be available in E-Book form for those who do not want to own the soft cover.
Everything has been decided and I spent two hours last night creating the perfect illustration for my front cover and finally managed to get it the way I liked it and I am so happy with it and I managed to get it past the resolution requirements. So this rocks my socks in a jiggle. I am so excited my belly’s shooting rainbows. My availability book on the Authorhouse website will be May 30th. So be the first to order yours when that happens. I still have to review the cover and interior of my book and a few other things, but other then that the process is moving along as planned.
Here is the Illustration for the cover of my book, All rights of it are owned by me.
Milky moon, of sunset shadows
Casting eyes on flower pillows
Upon a bed of feather fluff, I gaze upon your smile
My head rests calmly on your chest
Our hands connect through palms that sweat
Heat of fire, the summer sun
Burning brightly, above our intertwined bodies of arms and legs
Stare into your soul, my eyes peer into yours
I see all your wonder in one single breath
Holding hands I hold on tightly, dare not to let go of love at last
Holding hearts in hands so tender
I will keep you safe, I will rock you gently
Lay beneath a bridge of water
Waves of ocean blanket us slowly
Sinking down we float to sand, but in your arms I hold no fear
For in your arms is my heaven
Under milky moons, that wake the thunder
I can’t even begin to describe how excited and happy I am to publish this book, it has been the one I treasure the most and I am most proud of it. I have never written something so deep and meaningful and magical in my life. I hope to continue on this journey and produce many books like this in the future. I hope you all enjoy the story as much as I did writing it and do reading it. I love it so much.
I will keep you updated on the progress and let you know the final day when it will be ready for you to get. It will only be available online at first, but I am sure if you go into a bookstore you can request a copy once it is out. ;)
Tell your friends and family to check it out and look for it in three months. It is a great story. I will be writing a sequel to it which tells the story of Ava Jewel’s mother and father, leading up to Ava’s birth and beginning.
After this book I will be pondering of writing a last. I can’t speak on what it will be because it will give away My book I am publishing now. I don’t want to spoil anything for you.
Thank you all for following my work this far, it has been a long hard journey and I hope that you continue to fallow beside me through the many more we will take together, through my writing.
Love you all
It takes you by surprise. The moment you think you have it together is the moment it falls apart, but sometimes it is that moment that is the most important. It changes us and pulls us together and gives us strength. It awakens us to the importance around us. My life is much like that. My life is an egg. One crack and it’s undone and it can’t seal back together. Instead I break out, crack by crack until I’m whole again.
I’ve had to grow up fast. I raised my sister’s children while they dealt with life’s struggles. I was in high school. I had many struggles of my own. I had trouble in school, I have a learning delay I have struggled with my whole life. I never got help for it, I was seen as the student who didn’t care and maybe I didn’t. After being ignored and pushed away and having so much struggle, that you begin to not care so much, but deep down I always did. Of course I hid that.
So I helped take care of my niece and nephew. I struggled in school, I dealt with sexual harassment from my teacher and councilor and at home I dealt with my brother who picked on me, m two sisters trying to kill each other and my parents separating. Every day had a new test to teach me and every night had a new reason for me to give up, but I am a fighter. When I’d fall, I’d find a reason and keep going. life shapes us. It molds us into who we are.
My life went by quickly, I got married young and had a family. I dealt with the crazy in laws you only hear about or watch on tv. I dealt with the memories of my past that used to haunt me. I dealt with the judgements that followed me for doing the one thing I enjoy and feel good about. Life is a constant struggle.
I’ve dealt with a possessive, abusive ex whose only motive was to get back at me for all the wrong in his life. I’ve been, used, abused and abandoned, but I’ve also been loved, wanted and adored by the few closest people in my life. Including my five children who are my love, my world.
I dont believe I was a good mother when I was married. I was young and naive and I wasn’t a very good wife. I was sad and I kind of lost myself. I was blind to the thoughts and ideas that my children had disabilities and I struggled.
They are now in the good care of my ex and his family who hated me, but I rest easy knowing I made the right choice in it. Knowing they are getting the very best care and support. My ex has a huge support system and I am so thankful for that and my children are happy and I am happy because of that, but I am also sad because I couldn’t be strong enough for them.
I have two beautiful boys in my care and no girlfriends to talk to, no man to come home to, but I have love and hope and strength. I have dreams and God in every moment.
Life is a struggle, it is an uphill climb and there will be sunshine. Every day you struggle, make a ray of light shine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to reach out. Don’t lose sight of possibility and dont hide behind tears of struggle that are truly your strength.
I’m an easy target, I wear my heart on my sleeve. i care, I reach out, I give without having.
I’m an easy target, I am young and have five children.
People judge my situation, my personality, my mind, my experiences, my past and my struggles.
My strength is hidden behind my constant struggle to be OKAY.
I know you are like me in a lot of ways.
I know you can relate to me.
Together we can be a strength instead of a struggle. It is together, we can see all shades to someone, you are blind to.
Life really is short and we really do take for granted the strengths in others.
Life is a foundation.
It needs support and love and passion. It needs to be understood and wanted. It needs to grow.
We can do that just by welcoming and opening ourselves to a new light you only saw darkness in. people are shades until they are colors.
Let us not judge.
Let us not cast out our differences.
Let us accept and welcome.
but most of all, Let us nurture one another
for the ones that are not
for you and for me
We struggle together but we also strengthen and grow together
That is the beauty of
To gaze upon beauty in one glance.
To accept love as love is
To notice, without thorns or bruises, without shadows
To love, with heart and soul and in hope
Red, as fire it burns it captures all light
Green it heals and enlightens those or pure heart
Walk, with me as my friend
Speak, in whispers of secrets of the heart
Touch is to taste, to kiss on thy lips of heavenly grace
To stare into eyes of blue, to cast away shadows on face but dance them on walls at heavenly pace
Remember the feeling, the voice and the smell
Breathe in a moment and stand at the gate
Patient in heart
kiss upon heavenly face
A rare find in life is a soul that is of purity. In the darkness we live in there are light walkers, scattered around the world.
What is a pure soul?
A pure soul is a soul of no sin. It is a soul that has either never sinned or has been completely forgiven by God and no sin touches their heart or soul. Protected by God’s holy light. I was told I am one. I know how, that may appear to others. The judgment that entails. I do not claim to know more than you, nor better than you. My knowledge is not of my own, but of my beloved one’s in the kingdom of God that rests in each of us.
For as long as I can remember I have had my connection with God and the spiritual Whelm that surrounds us, even if it is not seen, or touched, or believed by those of closed eyes. It exists and because it exists, here I am and here I am to teach you.
There is so much unspoken and not understood and so much that may never have answers for your curious tongues that seek proof of such things, but do know that I will give what I know on times when I am given them. Like today.
What makes me a pure soul?
When I met with a wise woman, as I have met many wise in my time here so far, drown to each other we are and we learn and seek that messages that are sought out to us at that time for future use. it is the same method Dreams are and visions. Messages. This particular wise woman told me that my soul is pure and that either I have not sinned, or my sins have not been sewn to my spirit, they were forgiven or not seen in God’s eyes. I do not know if it is because I am of pure soul as an original, or if it is because I ask for forgiveness for everything I think is wrong that I have done and not only say the words, but mean it and change from what I have done. I learn from it and gain strength from it. See, many refuse to see the truth of forgiveness, they believe the words said make it true, but there is no worth to words without truth behind them and God see’s through all. If you are asking, he is watching and he will give you forgiveness.
Have you ever met a pure soul?
Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?
I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.
Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.
I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.
Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?
I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.
I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.
I just feel.. alone.
So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.
Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.
I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.
I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.
Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”
But what is there to understand about me?
I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.
Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.
All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.
Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.
I have observed over time the lack of interest in my videos, people miss the dancing, the showy skin stuff I don’t do anymore and really isn’t who I am anymore as you can probably notice since many have contacted me saying how much they wish I was still that girl. I have decided to take down my youtube videos and private them considering no one really watches them and if they do, they don’t enjoy them or are just patiently waiting for me to start being THAT GIRL again and I can’t be who I was, if I ain’t like that anymore. It’s all good though, I made videos because I thought people would enjoy them and I have always been an entertainer and loved making people smile and laugh and have fun, but I don’t do that anymore with my videos, so their purpose has been fulfilled and now I can move on to bigger and better things and just do what I love and enjoy since no one really has interest in that other stuff anymore, which is totally okay.
I am and will always be a writer at heart, it is something I am a natural at and enjoy doing and I don’t do it just to entertain others, it is self fulfillment and I am so excited about publishing my next book, I mean there are no words to describe just how fulfilling it is to publish one of my manuscripts I have worked so hard on. This is my best to and I always was hesitant to publish out of the order that I wrote them in, but I read up on writers and it actually advises you to publish your very best first, so that readers can connect with your best work and you are known for that, other then the not so great ones like my last two :p They were alright, but this one I am publishing is my fire in the night to me. I love it that much.
I have corrected and went through almost half of the manuscript now, I have another half to go and then the hard part comes, “writing a bio of myself” I find that really challenging for some reason, it just feels like work. Ha!
There are many words for what I have been through and there are many sides of the story I am sure. My side is just a shadow of the picture, but is it the side you wish to see and believe, or the shadow you wish to escape and pretend never existed. A love is quite like that, a love that left me bleeding with my heart exposed and a wound deep and a scar noticeable the longer time edged on.
When I was just a little girl which wouldn’t seem very long ago for most of you who look at me and think i am much younger then I am and maybe in a way I am, but in many ways I am beyond my years. I used to dream about my prince who would rescue me from my wicked castle and we would live happily ever after in a big house with lots of children. I got married young to a man who never really wanted to be my husband and got divorced after almost nine years of figuring that out, being too young and naive to see it first hand. I can look back now and see all the signs that said, stop, but love blinds you. Though it wasn’t close to the love I would soon feel. As I was leaving that life of entrapment and a stand still as it always felt as, I became involved with a man who I felt was a godsend. He said all the right things and he was so charming and smooth and artistic and musical and his name was so strong. I loved his look and his energy, I loved his everything, but I hated that he disliked so many things about me. I wanted him to see me as I saw him. Only wanted that. I loved him so much. I had prayed for years and years to fall in love so deeply, to feel that love you see in movies, that makes you do unthinkable things. Travel to be with that person, and I did just that. I traveled by myself to meet him and went the distance and changed my whole life for him but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I felt like I was on a treadmill and I kept running towards him but no matter what I would always fall backwards, away from his reach because he didn’t feel the same, yet claimed it was me who didn’t. He was certain it was me who didn’t care or put him first, yet everything I did proved I did. I felt defeated and pleaded for him to love me and for him to care more and want to spend time with me and love me for who I was, but he didn’t. That was wrong of me, because I shouldn’t have to ask someone to love me the same, or care, or want me as I wanted them. I fell hard for this man. Harder then I ever felt imaginable and now that there can be nothing between us because he will never see me that way, I have to live with the love, but the pain of never being able to express it. I have to live with the temptation of his love he dangles before me, I have to live with the bond I have, the connection. I have to live with the memories of his kisses, his passion. I miss him, but how can I miss what I never really had, I love him, but how can I love what wasn’t real.
Sometimes love blinds you and sometimes love changes you and you can’t go back, no matter how much you want to. I sometimes stand in the shower and let the water fall down on my face and let out breaths, deep breaths of all the air I can release from my lungs as if to empty my aching at least for a little bit. I want to forget. I want to give up the love I have for this man I will never receive. I want to be able to reach out my heart and hope another, man who laughs at my jokes, who sees my heart, who is attracted to my heart and soul more then my body. Who cares about me unconditionally. Who holds my hand through anything and everything and puts me first. Who wants to take care of me. I want to open my heart again, I’m so afraid to and I am still hoping deep down this other man who I can’t let go of will love me back as I’ve loved him, though I know he will never. It’s over. It’s never going to be and that very truth is what has me stuck. I can’t seem to accept it. He shows me the slightest emotional connection and I open my heart and wait for his embrace, but it never comes. It’s one sided as it always has been, and I am just a someone from his past, a notch on his belt, a glimpse of something that never came close to what he wanted. He used to tell me, “I wish you were thirty.” I’d ask him why because he said it so often in a breathy kind of way which told me he longed for it. he answered, “because you’ve be different..” I told him, I would always be me, no matter my age. It breaks my heart knowing I was never what he wanted and was never going to be. What did a number change?
Sometimes I think it’s me, like theres something wrong with me and thats why he couldn’t love me, but my heart knows better. I just wanted him to love me. I still do, and I don’t know how to let go of it. It’s hard. I guess that’s why there are so many broken heart songs in the world. Love leaves a scar and no matter what, no matter the songs you sing to get it out, no matter how many you tell about it, or how much you talk about it till people get sick of hearing it. It’s always there and your really in it alone, because truth is, no one understands a love like that until they feel it. When I love, I love hard. It’s how I am. I give it all I have without changing myself, which is mostly why it doesn’t work out. I wont change my creativity, or give up my beliefs etc. I want to be loved for me and I can’t pretend with someone, no matter how deeply I care for them. My soul wont let me, it’s like a promise i made with God and I keep my promises with my father. He has been there for me through every fall and rise and I will not turn my back on him, or our promises.
Love is lasting
But why do I have to love him when he will never love me?
Do you ever feel like the world is way too serious, so many rules and right ways and wrong ways of doing things, instead of just the basics? I have went through my years observing how serious people are and I am still unaffected by it. Not in a sense that it doesn’t bother me, because it defiantly does bother me, but in a sense that I haven’t caught the serious disease, which is kind of what it is. It spreads like wild fire, hate clings to hate as love clings to love. Only it is much harder to love then it is to hate. Why that is, is because love is much more worthy than hatred. It is a choice. I chose love from the very beginning, but that doesn’t mean I’m perfect and have never slipped my footing and done bad or wrong things, what ever you will.
I have come across so many serious faces I have had to interact with and it doesn’t make me want to be like them, I feel bad for them because they have these unbreakable shields up that protect them from everything, even love. Today I thought about this on my morning out by myself while my mother watched my two little ones. I had to get some Tylenol because the only thing I have is Tylenol 3 which knocks me out and I can’t very well take that unless I have someone here to watch my little ones, which I don’t.
I was in my favorite clothes store, a place called Aardenes and I was looking for a cute outfit for my best friend Maggie. I love getting people I love gifts. Believe it or not, I am criticized for doing so a lot of times, I haven’t the clue why people judge me on that. I think it’s a kind thing to get someone you love something to brighten their days. I’d want that, so I give it. It’s how I am and I am proud of that quality I contain.
I was looking through the clothes and I found a tiger top which I found really awesome, because it reminded me of the movie I recently saw and loved called Life Of Pi. I also looked at some leggings and I couldn’t decided which leggings looked good with it so I asked a young lady that worked there to help me decide because I have absolutely no problem talking with girls, I actually find they are nicer to me than the males in this world. Unless of course they think they can score. Pfft. As if I were into that. Most think I am a very sexual person, little do they realize I hardly even think of it and have never been a very sexual being. I am mostly a disappointment to my ex’s because of their such beliefs before hand. What a let down to them.
The lady expressed she doesn’t like leggings and then was no help at all and asked her other co worker who again had no opinion. I mean come on? I could give opinions all day. So i ended up just getting what I decided and came up with, which was the tiger top for me and skull shirt and leggings for my friend Maggie bears. I think she’ll like it since she’s into skull stuff. I ain’t in particular but they are pretty cute. I’ve been told I have great taste so, I guess it’ll be good and she’ll love it. That’s all that really matters is that she loves it.
The ladies didn’t hardly smile or talk all that friendly which kind of gets me down. I love bubbly cheery people who I can joke with and have a small yet comfortable conversation with, it really makes a difference in ones day. If you don’t believe me try it out on the world. Try being cheery and bubbly and when you click with another like you see how much the energy lifts in the room. I swear it’s so magical the effect it has on the room around you when two people engage like that. Yes yes I know one doing it makes some sort of effect, but I swear if you can get two people interacting in a cheery way, the whole room wants to join in. It’s contagious.
Here is the top I got and the outfit I got my Maggie Bears. I had to try on hers, believe it or not she and I turned out to be the same size. Even the same height which is pretty amazing to say the least. I really hope it makes her day when she gets it.
So I have decided to take an ECE course which is translated into Early Childhood Education so I can work in a day care which is originally what I was suppose to do after high school. It’s what I was planning on doing and even had a job lined up but my life took a different course and I became a wife and mother instead which was okay, but now that I have had all my children and am a single mom I am now ready to face the world again and begin my life and do what I was originally suppose to do while I do my art on the side, which is where my passion lies. I will always be an artist. I will never quit, it is who I am. I love it.
I am looking into the school course and there is a process before I can start it, but I will keep updated on it. I have a few meetings to attend first.
I have purchased a few things for school already.
How exciting, never thought I’d say that about school, but I’m just excited to get out there and make money and meet cool people who like doing what I do.
Do you ever notice that after meeting someone new who you are interested in, or who is interested in you, talks about their ex and when you ask what happened between them they have nothing but bad to say about them. I was sitting in my dinging area and eating pizza for breakfast and I was just kind of going through thoughts as I often do, reminiscing as we all usually do from time to time or constantly. Ha!
I was remembering all my past relationships began with, “ya, my ex cheated on me and thats why we broke up” or, “My ex was really controlling and called every five minutes.” Etc. No one ever says things like, “Yea, I cheated on my ex” or “I was controlling.” Ha. see how I flipped that. Though I am the odd ball, I just say what’s honest. My first relationship, i fell out of love with my husband because of the major issues we had which are not something I’d discuss in detail.” My second relationship, okay I have nothing but bad to say there because he was very… yea, and my third one, he was playing me BIG TIME.
It’s so strange that many just find it so hard to just lay things down as they are, yea I am aware if that happened your chances of another relationship are very slim, but if your going to be in a honest, fulfilling relationship, you have to go into it honest and open and if the person doesn’t accept and love you and trust you, just as you are then it isn’t really the person for you. IS IT. I know that big time.
Oh and thing I have also noticed is, if a person you want to get involved with, constantly talks about their ex, it’s not the right time to be with them because they are going through their transition phase and healing phase and need time to do that. Unless your the kind of person who is able to be their comfort through it and take on something like that. So if someone rants about their ex, beware. Your in for comparisons. Ha! I remember my Ex told me about his ex and how she was so dependent and he had to call doctors for her etc I thought, gosh she sounds like how I was when I was with my ex husband. Well I am a natural dependent person. I am forced to be independent cause I am on my own, but still I am always going to be a dependent person underneath, it’s just who I am. When he talked about his ex being dependent and how he hated it I was terrified to say I was the same because I knew that would be a deal breaker, though I told him anyways. Ha! Always honest. Gets me in trouble sometimes. :p
At least now I am finally nearing the end of my transition phase and hardly ever talk to anyone about my ex’s. “haha here I am doing it.” Okay I talk about them, but in a healthier way and at a healthier rate instead of every second, or every time someone talks about something that reminds me of one. Ha!