Tag Archives: God

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Invisible


Do you ever feel like no ones really listening to you, that you are on your own and people merely interact with you because they feel they have to, instead of wanting to because they actually care for you or because they enjoy your company?

I feel like that all the time, even by my family I feel that way. I have always been seen as different, it was even something I classified myself as growing up. I never fitted in with anyone, I was always different from the others and so many said so. I had friends growing up here and there and had popular moments, but I was always considered unique or different to everyone. I guess I am. I am a mix of things instead of just being one specific thing, if that makes any sense at all. I have a very rounded personality that has a bit of everything. Sometimes I think it’s a curse because I have always felt alone in life. No one I can relate to and who can relate to me.

Lately I’ve been feeling more so this way, I am almost thirty and I have accomplished having children. That is about it and I don’t have what I always wanted since a young girl, which is to be happily married and a family with a man who loves me and I him. I know that takes it’s own time and I must be patient and let love find me instead of searching no matter how desperately I want it, it will only end in disaster if I search, I have proven that.

I just wish I had a friend, or someone, anyone I can just talk with and who really gets me and enjoys my company. My mother has been my best friend for years, but lately, well for awhile now she’s seemed different, like she’s not listening to me. I will talk to her and she will not respond to what I’m talking about at all, or change the subject as though what I have to say isn’t important, which is how I’ve always been treated so I should be used to it. I feel like I have never made her proud in life. I do long for that still, I have tried so hard to succeed at something, anything, but I never get there. I always fall short, but that doesn’t stop me from keep trying.

Today I sat around just thinking, do you ever have those days where you just do a soul searching day, where your just constantly in a dream, thinking to yourself about your life and what you really want and what you really feel and what really matters to you?

I want to be in love with someone who loves me the same if not more, I want to be successful at my writing. I want my mother to be proud of me and I want a friend who enjoys my company. I also would like to finally be heard by others, to know that my voice matters and that what I have to say is just as important.

I have never asked for much, not even in a relationships, maybe that’s my problem, who knows.

I just feel.. alone.

So today as I mentioned, I thought and I thought and then I took a long look at my children who are my most important, my loves, my world and it made me smile because they are the best thing in my life. Without them I don’t know how I would be able to get up every morning and keep going. They give me reason to smile, and to laugh and to enjoy life. They give me hope that it will get better and they give me strength for today and the days that fallow. Out of everything in my life, they were the one thing I got right. I wouldn’t change having them for the world.

Yes life has been hard growing up for me, I have had a bad childhood, and I know many will say that, but I have been through things a young child shouldn’t of had to and I wouldn’t wish my life and my experiences on anyone. I had it rough, but even though I did I still tell my self, some have it worse and I know some do. Anything worse then my life is pretty awful and my heart goes out to everyone like me and unlike me. I just want to be love in life. Who doesn’t. That is the one thing I’ve wanted through life and I can’t seem to get it, it’s always half loved, or tolerated. So many have told me they just tolerate me like I’m hard to love, or live with and then perfect strangers tell me I have so much empathy for others and compassion and I know I do. I cry when I see someone hurt, i feel others pain, I try so hard to cheer someone sad up, I can’t stand crowds because I am sensitive to everyones energy and emotions. So I just don’t understand others view on me. People I have talked with about it say it’s jealousy, but I think to myself… jealousy of what exactly, my life isn’t even close to perfect and either am I.

I try to be a better person then I was yesterday each day that goes by. I’m never going to be perfect, or a saint, I’m just like you.

I will never understand what separates me. Still to this day i don’t get it.

Jesus once told me, when I was going through a bad time as a teenage, I was being teased and picked on. A large classroom mocked me and made fun of me saying I was the messenger of God and that I was a witch because I could predict things, long story.. but I had a hard time and I used to see Jesus. He would visit me and I know many wont believe me, but each to their own. I asked him, why they make fun of me, and why people seem to hate me so much and he said in the kind understanding way that he does… “Mandie… dear, people will hold hate for what they do not understand.”

But what is there to understand about me?

I guess talking with spirits would be one of them, but I have met many others who can as well, they I do connect with and relate to.

Maybe that’s what people don’t like about me, maybe my spirituality shines through me and people just know I’m weird and don’t understand it. Maybe thats what this whole thing is about. Not jealousy or hatred or anything I’ve thought it was. But simply they are afraid of what they see, or feel, or think of me. Something they get when they look at me. I used to tell people, you will either love me, or you will hate me and I never fully understood why I said it until now. Maybe that is the reason. Who knows.

All I know is, it’s been a very lonely life, without Jesus growing up, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the bulling in school and in life.

Maybe one day people wont be so afraid of different and accept me, or maybe it’s just how it will always be and I will find one person who will and that’s all I ask for. Just one.

 

 

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The Ex Talk


Do you ever notice that after meeting someone new who you are interested in, or who is interested in you, talks about their ex and when you ask what happened between them they have nothing but bad to say about them. I was sitting in my dinging area and eating pizza for breakfast and I was just kind of going through thoughts as I often do, reminiscing as we all usually do from time to time or constantly. Ha!

I was remembering all my past relationships began with, “ya, my ex cheated on me and thats why we broke up” or, “My ex was really controlling and called every five minutes.” Etc. No one ever says things like, “Yea, I cheated on my ex” or “I was controlling.” Ha. see how I flipped that. Though I am the odd ball, I just say what’s honest. My first relationship, i fell out of love with my husband because of the major issues we had which are not something I’d discuss in detail.” My second relationship, okay I have nothing but bad to say there because he was very… yea, and my third one, he was playing me BIG TIME.

It’s so strange that many just find it so hard to just lay things down as they are, yea I am aware if that happened your chances of another relationship are very slim, but if your going to be in a honest, fulfilling relationship, you have to go into it honest and open and if the person doesn’t accept and love you and trust you, just as you are then it isn’t really the person for you. IS IT. I know that big time.

Oh and thing I have also noticed is, if a person you want to get involved with, constantly talks about their ex, it’s not the right time to be with them because they are going through their transition phase and healing phase and need time to do that. Unless your the kind of person who is able to be their comfort through it and take on something like that. So if someone rants about their ex, beware. Your in for comparisons. Ha! I remember my Ex told me about his ex and how she was so dependent and he had to call doctors for her etc I thought, gosh she sounds like how I was when I was with my ex husband. Well I am a natural dependent person. I am forced to be independent cause I am on my own, but still I am always going to be a dependent person underneath, it’s just who I am. When he talked about his ex being dependent and how he hated it I was terrified to say I was the same because I knew that would be a deal breaker, though I told him anyways. Ha! Always honest. Gets me in trouble sometimes. :p

At least now I am finally nearing the end of my transition phase and hardly ever talk to anyone about my ex’s. “haha here I am doing it.” Okay I talk about them, but in a healthier way and at a healthier rate instead of every second, or every time someone talks about something that reminds me of one. Ha!

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Throw out a dream


Ever since I was a young girl I’ve dreamed of being an artist professionally and I’ve dreamed of marrying a wonderful man, having children and living in a nice house with him forever, but none of that has happened. I married a man I had to beg to marry me, I got divorced, I became E famous for a year or two and got shit on by hundreds online and then I got into a relationship with a man I fell deeply in love with and thought was an angel sent to me from God, but turned out to be a devil who broke my heart and still causes me pain. He doesn’t even hardly talk to me or see me and I still feel pain from him. Pain of him cheating, pain of him wasting my life when he never even wanted a life with me and only wanted what most men want. I was with another guy who only wanted one thing and bought me gifts just to keep me around. I’ve had five beautiful children and hardly see three of them and three of them have disabilities and I feel bad about that. I live in a place all alone with my two youngest children and I don’t have any friends. My sister disowned me because she hates me for God knows what reason and I find I have absolutely no body to talk to but a computer screen to get some sort of virtual hug that everything will be okay.

I feel like I will never find anyone who will actually love me. I can throw a rock and hit so many guys I can be with who only want one thing, but I want a relationship, someone who will love me and care about me and take care of me. Someone who will be a great father to my children. I don’t want to be used. My ex’s write me about their lack of sex life, as though I will fill it. Makes me feel horrible, “is that all I’m good for?”

I have tried so many different forms of art I love and am passionate about and I have tried so dang hard to make it as an artist in so many areas and I have nothing to show for it but two self published books that don’t sell, a bunch of videos no one watched, poetry never read by any one more then five people and a few hanging painting on my wall that will probably never be bought by anyone. I feel like I lost. Like I should throw out my dreams of finding anyone and throw out my dream as an artist and just be some waitress, maid or cook some where making shit money at a place that will work my hands to the bones for the rest of my life and always wish I could have made it as an artist. Life never turns out how you want it, some people get lucky, I aint one of them. I’m tired of thinking positive that I will find someone and then find myself heart broken and unloved and struggling to get my art out there and feel good about something. Feel proud of something I accomplished.

I feel like a hamster, I run in a circle, but the only place I go is around and back where I started.

So.. throw out the dreams and just take one day at a time and hope something good comes out of it.

Plus even if I met a nice guy, I’m so terrified of getting hurt, I’d back out of it before it even got started. My ex broke me, completely broke me.

I’m thankful for my wonderful amazing children who I love more then anything, my parents who are always there for me and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I guess I shouldn’t complain.

I know some have less then that, I just feel really down, that my dreams are dying right before my eyes and I know it’s wrong but it makes me even more upset that the people who have hurt me have what I always wanted. Their career and a nice person by there side or their happy and successful and ain’t sad eyed like me. Lucky them. I guess hurting me, makes you rich.

I wish I would have Starved the haters and Fed the fans from the very beginning.

When you feed into the hatred around you and open the door and allow people in that hurt you and believe they will change you allow them to use you as stairs and they climb you until they are in the clouds of your dream and your in the dirt.

So throw out my dreams

Just be happy with me and my kids and stop looking up hoping for more because there aint nothing out there but what’s right here.

Happy Valentines Day

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Quiet Evening


I can feel the end near of my living in this apartment, ahh, what a relief to be leaving and entering a whole new place full of new memories and experiences. Good ones I hope. :) I move in a day now, this is my last night here, I wont be sleeping here tomorrow night even though moving day is the 29th. Too much to deal with. I’ve cleaned up the place and packed everything and I’ve got like two things in my fridge. ha! I will be in major need of grocery shopping after I move in.

I’ll be getting my puppy most likely the 30th. That’s what I’m aiming for anyways and then my furniture comes on the fourth which I am excited about as well. :)

I am so very excited. So many good things lined up in a row, someone wise once told me, when things are good and meant to be, they fall into place. Everything about this move has fell into place, everything about my puppy fell into place and I feel like I am entering into a good phase in my life. I had a feeling about this place I’m moving into the moment I saw it. I remember it, I don’t understand how I could, since I have never been there before, but I remember being outside of it, standing on the street with my double stroller which is now occurring to me that I had just done that a week ago when I went to see it. I stood staring for a long time, just starring at it. It’s what I saw me doing in my vision, I didn’t think of that when I was starring, but the vision came true. My other vision, is of me in my new place eating pizza and surrounded by boxes. I am happy, but there is a feeling of, what now… Adventure, love and new experiences. Good things around the corner from there. I long for it now. For some odd reason, my trusting my feelings has brought me good things. I remember a wise woman told me to always trust in my feelings, because I had a gift. I told her, sometimes I find it hard to and she assured me, that I should not fear in them, but trust them because they are a guide.

I am so excited to get started. It feels so different from all the other times I have ever moved before, I can’t explain it, but it is. This year is strange and exciting to me. So much is changing, people who weren’t in my life are in my life now and people who were in my life are phasing themselves out and acting totally bizarre. I notice a shift, which I knew was going to take place, everyone was so afraid of the end of the world, but I knew it wasn’t an end, but a beginning. A change, like wearing your heart outside of your body, exposed. True colors show. From what I can see, it is true.

I notice the shift even in myself, I feel stronger and wiser and more sure of myself and trust in my intuition a lot more and trust in those I know I can trust in. I see things differently and acknowledge things a whole new way. I am not sure if any of you know what I am talking about, or if I’ve eaten too many fruit loops for breakfast again. Ha!

After tomorrow it will probably be a bit until I can post again, I’ll need to get settled. I am not even going to say I wont post or I will or even when because, when I set a date I don’t listen to it and I post a surprise one. Ha! like to catch you off guard. I never did like being predictable, if I am predictable I’d want it to be from the man of my dreams. I’d want him to read me like a book, cause no one else seems to know how to. I think that’s what we long for in someone. Someone who really knows us, who gets us and understands us. I have always felt out of place in life, I felt different. Having abilities and visions I couldn’t even understand separated me. Even if it wasn’t others doing the separating, I just felt separate, from the world. On my own. I think thats a main reason why people find it hard to relate to me, or make fun of me. They just don’t know what it’s like. At least to me they don’t and I don’t think they really even try to understand.

When I begin painting, I want to put my heart into them, I want to paint my heart on canvas. Paint my feelings and thoughts and express it in a way everyone can understand and relate to. Like a story in color.

 

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Tick Tock


It’s official.. you know… more than it was. I”M MOVING.

In exactly 12 days i will be in my new place and surrounded by yet, more boxe100_3533s. Ha! I can’t freakin wait, it’s going to be so great to settle into a place knowing I will be there for more then a year. I have moved so much in my life it’s nice knowing I wont have to for awhile. How relieving it is.

I have been bored lately, because I feel like I am just in the stage of waiting for the days to go by and trying to pack everything, not to fast and not too slow because I still have just under two weeks to live in this box land still and I don’t want to get excited or carried away and pack all my clothes and food and have to wear paper bags and eat cardboard for dinners until I move. I got to be smart, after all I’m a mommy. I’ve got to be smart because there’s no man to blame my “oh my god I packed everything” on. Wouldn’t that be great if there was though? ha!

I can’t believe though, this time last year I was moving, the exact time, how bizzare is that? Only this time last year I was beginning a relationship with someone I thought was going to be the one, boy was I wrong. Ah well.. I ain’t going to sweat it, because I know God has a plan for me and I’m really tired of getting down about not having love and then having love and being heart broken and abandoned by it. Valentines day is coming up soon and yea that day will be kind of down for me, having it be the first valentines day in 12 years that I wont have anyone to celebrate it with. That is kinda hard to think about, but… it is as it is and I am going to smile and buy myself something nice, or take myself out somewhere. :) When life gets you down, eat chocolate. Ha! or in my case a bucket of Reese ice cream, which is so freaking good, it blows my fav cookies n cream out of the water.

When I move into my new place, I’ll be taking pictures of course because I love to film and capture the process of moving, well along with everything else i love to film n capture. I am a camera hog, but since no ones lined up to be filmed I guess I’m not so much a hog as I am THE STAR, cover your eyes, I shine bright. “Does that mean I’m a sun?” Ha!

 

I love the beginning of a place, setting up everything, decorating, making everything nice and turn a place into a home. That is such a great process for me, I have so much fun doing that, I am not even kidding. I love it so much. I’m serious, if I wasn’t so into my art, I would have been an interior decorator because I just love having things set so perfectly in it’s own place and getting things that fit nicely and keeping with the good energy flow through out the rooms.

I’m going to get back to my cooking dinner before I burn it, or in this case brown it too much and set off the over sensitive fire alarm. “how lame would that be?”

“SHUT UP ALARM”

Seee YAAAAh

 

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What Makes a Good Blog?


I’ve often asked myself this very question before attempting to write a blog. I hope to inspire or write about something that others can possibly to relate to, or otherwise enjoy on some level and sometimes I just plane out write about what’s on my mind. I have always been a writer at heart. I feel it is the best way I know how to express my feelings and thoughts, since I’ve never been much of a public speaker. That in no way means that I am incapable of expressing my feelings and thoughts through communication, I just am more comfortable through writing and I find I can really take the time to express and explain what I want to convey better, when it’s through the act of writing.

So, what makes a good blog?

Is it the truth behind the writing? Or the sarcastic statement at the top line that pulls you in. Perhaps it’s a topic that wheels you in, or possibly you relate to it on some level?

A good blog to me is one that I can really relate to. I love truth and I love when others express their feelings and thoughts through their words and paint a picture I can really see, and put myself in their shoes and feel something. I think it’s very important to feel something when you’re reading someone’s words on a screen. After all, it’s only words on a screen if there are no feelings behind it, right?

Blogging has never been something I aimed to do in life, then again most of what I have done in life hasn’t been what I aimed for, but that’s the beauty of life. It is unplanned and it doesn’t go the way we want, but in the end we realize that it was so much better this way because whether it was tough or easy, we discovered, or became greater people we can really be proud of because of it. It all depends on how you decide to look at life. I for one can say, my life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and the ups lift me up and give me strength.

Something real?

There are always times I feel alone and like there is no one out there who could possibly understand where I’m coming from half the time, or have the sympathy and caring towards me and all that I have come through in life. To others I feel like they see me as small and just a young girl, when in reality I am more than that. I think everyone feels this way though; it is a human emotion to feel alone on so many levels. There is also no wrong in feeling this way and soon you will meet someone, it could even be a stranger on the street that looks at you, or says something so meaningful. Something that changes you and reminds you that you’re not alone, and that even when you’re invisible, you’re really being seen by someone.

My heart is of faith; I have always been a strong believer in God and the spiritual world around us. I have talked with angels and have a certain ability I don’t speak of too often. Those who know me behind this screen know of me, but those who know me of only this screen, know only what I share. Sometimes, not even that.

I have always wanted to inspire and give something to the world through my expressions of art, which ever form I choose to express and share and for the most part I have felt defeated, but that was only because I was looking at it all wrong. It isn’t about struggling to be seen a certain way by others, or to be liked or appreciated for the things I wanted it to be for. It is about finding myself and enjoying who I am and really loving myself and knowing that only good can come from love. I know bad things sometimes happen to good people, I’m living proof of that, but if you only see it as bad things then where is the strength in that? I have become a stronger person, but not only that I have become able to see what I have been missing for years. I look at the world differently and at people differently. I get down at times, which is perfectly okay, but I get right back up again and keep on learning and discovering more about who I am, and becoming the person I want to be, who I never thought I could be.

To you, I may just be a single mother of almost five children, who has had bad relationship’s, and writes words on a blog and sings and dances (cough) on a camera screen. I am more than just a girl. I am more then, “just”

So what makes a good blog?

Easy, “someone who writes from the heart”

 

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Five Children (Judgemental Eyes)


I’m almost a mother of five children and as a mother of many children I am constantly judged by family and strangers for it. I am not sure why many have to judge that, but it is quite hurtful to make someone feel bad for bringing children into the world. I love all my little ones and I do not regret any of them. I grew up in a big family, I have three brothers and two sisters and my parents came from large families as well. I am old fashion that way and I love children.

I got married at eighteen and immediately wanted to have a family and did, I had three children with my now ex husband. We didn’t work out for many reasons I wont say and those three children have disabilities and delays and reside full time with my ex because I didn’t want to pry them away from their family home since they are sensitive to change and because he has lots of family support etc for their needs and all I have is me and my mother.

It was so hard to leave my three behind and begin a new life and visit my kids when I could.

After leaving my husband I became involved with another man who I fell in love with, harder then I had with anyone and I tried so hard to make it work and I fell pregnant unplanned and I really wasn’t ready for a baby at all. I ended up losing that baby at 11 weeks in and I was devastated and blamed myself for it because I thought it was my fault it happened because I wasn’t excited about it. I was so hurt by the loss. My new boyfriend and I tried for a baby after that and moved in with another and I got pregnant right away and the loss became easier to deal with and I loved my new growing baby and was so careful not to exert myself because I didn’t want to lose the baby and experience that kind of loss ever again. So that is how my fourth came along. My boyfriend and I ended up splitting, he didn’t treat me right and it was always a wishing game, that he would change and be happy to be with me kind of struggle, but it never happened.

I tried to move on and dated another man which I began a relationship with and hoped it would go well and he was a single dad and seemed very nice but he did alot of misleading things like never spending the night etc. We were very careful not to get pregnant and one night the protection failed and boom, it just took that once. I knew I was going to be alone and abandoned, he told me it was my fault and told me to get rid of it, for lack of a better word and I told him to get lost. You see I don’t believe in abortions and after losing a baby you never forget the feeling of loss and I couldn’t just get rid of it, like it was a piece of old furniture. I wanted to keep the baby. People suggested my giving it up for adoption, but I couldn’t do that either and wonder where my baby was all my life and have the baby grow up and ask why I gave them up? what was wrong with them? instead of being like the two possible fathers I decided to keep the baby and give the baby so much love and know that God has a plan. God gave me five children and anyone who see’s it as something bad I just don’t understand that.

I have had so much pain from men and them leaving me after having children and just being abandoned and feeling so unloved and wanted, my children are my greatest love in this world and my greatest happiness. I am so very blessed to have so many, when some can’t even have one. Which is very sad to me. I love children and having five is the same as having one, only more love to go around. My life hasn’t gone the way I had planned, not even the slightest. I was supposed to get married and live happily ever after with my prince who loved me and instead, well here I am.

Life happens how it happens and sometimes the choices we make change the future, but I wouldn’t change it. I have my children who I love so very much and no matter how many judgement eyes look upon me I know I am lucky and blessed to have such beautiful, wonderful amazing children who have such big hearts.

I wish the world wasn’t so judgemental and actually took a moment to ask themselves what it would feel like to get that judgement upon them. All I know is, I would never judge like that, I know better then anyone what that feels like and no one deserves it. I know I don’t, especially not from family and not from strangers either.

When someone says, “WOw, five, I hope your done now.” Or, “That’s sure a lot of kids” “Why did you have so many?” “Dont have any more” Type stuff, it’s so insensitive towards my feelings.

It’s just been bothering me, this sort of judgement and I wanted to write about it and express my feelings on it. Please be more kind to others, we all have feelings and we all get hurt and you have no idea what someone is going through or gone through to get them to where they are and you have no right to judge them.

On a happier note, “I can’t wait to meet my last little one, I am so excited to see if it’s a boy or girl and hold it in my arms and look into the baby’s eyes and tell them I love them so very much.” (Crying at the thought of it) :) happy tears of course.

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33 weeks Pregnant


 

The day is getting closer and closer and I am getting very excited to meet my little one :) I know it’s going to be hard getting sleep and getting into a routien after the baby is here but I am so excited  to meet my little baby that wanted so badly to be a part of my family. A blessing from God :)

I just posted a video of pictures on youtube of my belly growth up till now

which you can watch here

I have little heart burn now thanks to the pharmacist who recommended a product that is safe and actually helps my acid reflux I think I would call it. It was so uncomfortable and I still get it mostly at night time, but that’s when I get up and take my magic medicen and I get get back to sleep until I get up to pee again which I have been doing more often at night now. About 5 times at least.

I feel big during the afternoon and night, but then when I wake up I don’t feel like I’m that huge, I guess it’s because with a full stomach during the day the baby squishes up my stomach and stuff and it makes it feel like everything is so snug inside me. The baby feels like it’s in my ribs and breasts half the time. lol

Other then heart burn, I am very tired most of the time and like to have a nap in the afternoon while my son Niki naps. Have to take advantage of the nap times while I can have them.

I haven’t really been going out much because it’s just too hot outside for me and I get tired easily and plus I am terrified of my elevator which is old and has broken down a few times now since I’ve lived here and it makes such creepy noises I am worried of getting trapped inside of it and I am not comfortable in small spaces. Eek. I watch home decorating and renovating shows and I get claustrophobic just watching those workers get into small crawl spaces and insulate the house. YIKES!

So now that I am almost to my full term mark which is considered after 37 weeks yay. I am asking people to make some guesses on the gender and weight and the day baby will be born. I have had a feeling about it for awhile now.

My guess is

Gender:GIRL

Weight: 7 Lbs 6 Ounces

Birth Date: Oct 16th

I don’t know why but I keep feeling like I’m going to go into labor on the 15th and have the baby on the 16th, I’ve felt that for months now. lol We’ll see if I’m right or close. I will be 37 weeks by then.

I never usually last till my due date which is Oct 31st and my doctor wont allow me to pass it so.. don’t bother guessing past it lol

I’ll gives some history which might help you to guess better. :p

First Child:

Name: Johnathan

 

Gender :Boy

Weight: 7 Lbs 10 ounces

Born Feb 20th

40 weeks exactly

 

Second Child:

Name: Chassetty

Gender: Girl

Weight: 7 Lbs 6 ounces

Born Nov 28th

37 weeks

 

Third Child

Name: Natin

Gender: Boy

Weight: 7 Lbs 9 Ounces

Born April 30th

39 weeks

 

Fourth Child

Name: Niki

Gender: Boy

Weight: 7 Lbs 6 ounces

Born: April 1st

39 weeks

 

Now you can take a guess at baby Five, my last baby :)

Fifth Child

Name: Claira Or Corey

Gender:?

Weight:?

Born:?

 

 

 

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32 weeks Pregnant


I’m a month more to go now and very excited to meet my last little one who was determind to be in this world. I am not sure you all know the story but, I had been finished having kids after I had Niki. I wasn’t planning on having any children and took precautions not to get pregnant however while with my ex “J” I will call him, we used protection like crazy and were very careful and I was on my period at the time when the precaution failed. The condom broke and boom, right after we found out it had I knew deep down through intuition that I was pregnant. He thought I was just freaking out for nothing because the odds were slim to him. I however knew better because I could sense it very strongly. 

Weeks went by and I found out I was right and I was pregnant and he dumped me because I wouldn’t get rid of the baby. I do not believe in abortions and I decided if the doctor said I was okay to have the baby I was going to. I had been having some tests reguarding some health stuff with abnormal cells, but the doctor said the results were good so far and it was all good and safe for me to have the baby. I was scared at first and nervious about having, now my fifth baby, but you know, God has plans for us and we were all meant to be here for a reason and for some reason this baby was meant to be born. :) I am blessed to have all my children. I get judged a lot for how many I have, but you know what, i don’t regret having as many as I have. They are all wonderful children. Three are with my ex husband of 8 years and they have special needs and get better support with my ex considering he has more family and friends to help out. I am raising full time my son Niki who is with my other ex of 2 years and now this one that I am due to have from my last ex who dumped me after a month. I wasn’t sad about it though, after hearing and seeing how he reacted and things he said about the baby etc and blaming me for the pregnancy I am glad he doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby because we are better off without someone like that.

I am happy now and I can see my other three children when I am able to which isn’t too often with their special classes and schooling and my pregnancy, but they know I love them very much and and I help them out when I can and see them when I can. :)

I am now 32 weeks along and excited to meet either Claira or Corey. I am also looking forward to it being over because this pregnancy has been very hard on my body as far as aches and pains go. I get a lot of braxton hicks and have been since I was 18 weeks along. I have a lot of heart burn and back aches and just haven’t been too comfortable this pregnancy. I am looking forward to the end and closing up shop after and never having to worry about getting pregnant again. Not like I’m going to get out there and be with guys or anything. All the men I have been with i had relationships with and I thought it was the real deal, but it wasn’t. Three frogs and no prince. It’s okay though, things happen for a reason, my children came out of the relationships and I love them more then life itself and am so very thankful for them.

Niki is growing up fast and is always doing something really cute each day. He says kisses now and up. He can say other words like, hot dog, mommy, daddy, nana, grandpa. He does a lot of babble talk and he gestures a lot with what he wants. he will fallow me around with his blanky I call “His Cuddle Blanky.” and bottle and it means he is thirsty. Or he will gesture he is tired by rubbing his eyes and handing me his bottle. He will grab my hand and move it to objects he wants to use, like the mouse to the computer. haha. he is adorable. I notice he is more shy to talk etc in front of others though. I am hoping he gets picks up more and more. I have never experienced that yet considering my three other children have special needs and still have trouble with speaking. I never got to experience the early words, or early sentences etc of children. I know that probably sounds odd, but I haven’t. A lot of what Niki has done so far has blew my mind because it was like experiencing it for the first time and it is so good to see and watch.

Back to my pregnancy.. I am 32 weeks and a couple days and have another doctors appointment on the 18th. I am going to the doctor every two weeks now instead of every 4 and soon it will be down to every week. When he said to see him every 2 I got so excited because I knew it was getting close to having the baby. :)

I am pretty much prepared for the baby to arrive besides getting some more baby clothes after she or he arrives considering I don’t know the gender for sure yet and don’t want to buy the wrong colour or buy a whole bunch of yellow and white stuff. lol Bleh

I am still hoping for my little girl, but, it doesn’t matter either way, I am so excited.

I am kinda scared about the labour being that it seems not so long ago from Niki’s labour and I remember the pain vividly and I do not look forward to feeling that again. So it frightens me and I have to just breathe and focus on the baby being here and not the pain that comes with it. Meditate more.

I have gained about 23 pounds so far this pregnancy which seems like a lot for me eek. Though I usually gain up to 35 during my pregnancy’s any ways and I can work it off after and I bought some after pregnancy clothing to look forward to. :) I can’t wait to fit back into my clothes and get back into shape. It will be such a wonderful feeling to get back in shape and know that I wont be growing out of my clothes again and baring another baby again. lol I am FANEETOEEE!

I grew up from a long line of big families so I fit right into that. :p

I have three brothers and two sisters and my dad is a family of like 8 and my mom of five I think. She is a twin.

Well I’m tired, which has been a normal thing lately, can’t get enough sleep, so I’m going to take some heart burn stuff I got called Gaviscon since I have acid in my throat ugg and hope to get a good night sleep.

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New Home


So Squeaker now has a new home and he looks very happy and the family that has him now were very happy to have him. They even brought me a gift as a thank you for allowing them to welcome him into their family. That makes me happy knowing that he will be taken care of and that I have made a family happy with something so simple as giving them a new member of their family.  :)

 

Here are a few pictures they sent me of his new home,

 

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Falling Peddles


Falling peddles of northern sun

A rainbow light of shooting stars

In my heart a shield of love

Uncovered in sheets of silky fun

He fooled my eyes and my heart

He covered my ears from the words off his tongue

Upon his lips I felt his lies

It was in his energy I stepped back in time

Unto his hands I grasped at his thoughts

What I heard was a truth I can never take back

To his secrets I cry inside

To his lies I turn my side

To his thoughts I cast aside

To his lips I shield off mine

For this man cannot have what is already mine

My love will be hidden

But shared with the world

My heart will be shining and shimmer in light

My strength will get stronger each day that I rise

And to moments of sadness I smile, ear to ear

For he cannot take my heart in despair

He cannot own my soul or my hand

He cannot keep this heart I hold dear

For my love is within my heart

For my love is not sold or stolen or met

Love is just love

In a story I had

Love is my own

In a chest I hold dear

 

Beating it sings a song of a bird

I’m stronger then yesterday when my cries met my bed

I’m wiser than days you fed me your sweet fruit from the palm of your hand

I see you now dear man

I will not be back

No more

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What the Hell


I swear to gawd, every morning I get up, or it doesn’t even have to be morning. Okay well it’s usually morning when I notice it.

I looked at the clock and it’s like, lets say I see that it’s almost 9 am in the morning and I feel so well rested from a full nights sleep. I get up and get dressed, Niki and I do and we have breakfast and then I glance at the clock at it’s an hour earlier than what it said before so it’s almost 8am. This happens every morning like I’m moving in time. It is so weird, yet I love that shit, so I am really quite interested in what the hell is going on with that.

I mean I have always known i could alter time because I would be late for something and arrive early haha. How it happens I have no clue. Also I would have a shower and think I’ve been in there for so long because I make myself stay in there long because it feels so nice and then I get out and it’s been five minutes and this isn’t just when I’m alone. Oh know. The time shifts even around people and they don’t even notice it.

I’m just moving and their not, or something happens like that. So strange. Or I’m moving faster in a minute or hour than they are and then I catch up once my conscience is back to, hello. I’m still here on planet earth pretending to be human like you. haha

I am alien so this doesn’t at all surprise me plus it’s been going on for a long as time and I have had so many experiences through spirituality that it’s so easy to know for sure, and unless you know me really well like my family and close friends. You aint going to believe me when I said it.

hahaha I like that though.

Who else is alien?

Oh… and who else time shifts?

 

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Motherhood


I have been a mother since I was 19 years old which seems like ages ago to me. I grew up with the same knowledge that, “When you’re a mother, you can’t have time for you.” “All your time is for your child and you have to sacrifice everything.” “You have to keep your eyes on that child every second and that is your job and that is all you can do.” “You have to give up your happiness and dreams.”

These messages and statements never fit well for me, it is similar to the messages sent out that, “You can’t put yourself first, if you do you are selfish.”

I once spoke to someone a long time ago and he said to me, “Just as a fire fighter, you put your mask on so you can save others.”

I am here to tell you and remind you that when you are a mother, you do not have to sacrifice everything. You do not have to give up all time and you do not have to lose all happiness because you have a child. You are a mother and to be a mother, there is something every mother should know and take with them and understand. You have to have time for you and you have to take care of you or you will lose the ability and know how of how to take care of others.

I didn’t live this way through my marriage, I did sacrifice and I did spent every second taking care of my husband and my child and I forgot how to take care of me. I forgot over the years and I looked to others to make me happy and depended on them to help me because I forgot how to take care of me. I was following the message that is given to us growing up. I did this gradually, I lost sight of myself and I made mistakes because I didn’t have any fuel for my soul because I was giving it all away and I was taking care of everyone but me and I lost how to care for me. I lost how to be happy with me and I slowly lost how to take care of others.

My marriage fell a part and I am not saying it is me because it breaks on two ends, but this is my part. I lost myself and I sacrificed and didn’t take care of me. I wasn’t happy with my life and I wasn’t happy with who I was or what I had. I had lost sight of everything because I had no fuel. I had given it all away.

When my marriage ended in April 2010 I began to find myself and I began to take time for me and care for me because I had no one. No one was there to depend on, I was alone and I felt alone and I was scared. I wasn’t lost and sad anymore, I was terrified and I was alert and awake and it was a difficult time for me. It was difficult to go from giving and losing myself and sacrificing everything including myself, to not having anyone to lean on and being along with the situation that was now a fire burning me. I changed homes, I left my husband, I left behind my children, I got pushed down and insulted by my neighbors and in-laws while pregnant with my son Niki and I dealt with the unstable emotional ups and downs of my boyfriend Michael.

I began to discover over time that I needed to take care of me, because no one else was going to. I needed to be happy and I needed to do what was best for me so I could get into a good balanced place emotionally and physically and mentally. I have gone through many changes since April 2010 and for the better to. I have undergone, divorce, custody, change in lifestyle, low self of esteem, breakups, miscarriage, abuse, break ups, getting help to support myself and my child, court, more break ups, hospital visits, being sick, being anemic, living alone, going grocery shopping by myself, paying bills, doing everything for myself. Every day I do something and learn something knew.

I have gone through so many changes and grown up so much and it was then when I learned how to take care of me again.

I am more balanced now and I am more happy and I am able to have the fuel I need so that I can be a good mom for my children. Better than I was. All because I stopped sacrificing and I started taking care of me and remembering that it’s important to do things for me and take care of me and find out my dreams so that I can be there for others.

The message is clear. “Take care of you”

Motherhood is not about sacrifice, it’s about a balance and finding a balance so that you can be a good mom for your children and teach your children that it is essential and important to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. To live a balanced life.

Every day it’s a struggle, the world is changing and there are so many obstacles that come our way, but we must learn to stop… breathe and take a moment to remember what we need to be able to go forward.

I love my life and I love my children and I love how far I have come and I am thankful of where I am now. I get lonely, but I am balanced and able to rise from it and take care of myself and reassure myself and do something good for me that makes me feel good. SOmething I need, so that I can live a balanced life.

The world is changing and it’s time we understand that the messages we give to our children will have an impact and many of these messages have caused unpleasantness and caused destruction and I think going into the future there will be better messages given for our future generations. In fact I have seen and heard new messages that I agree with coming into play and being spoken and people are speaking out what would be covered up years ago.

We are learning we have a voice and we can learn to communicate and solve problems and help each other through understanding which comes from communication and finding a balance among us. This is the future.

Tell me? How many of you have sacraficed who you are?

How many of you have forgotten how to take care of yourself?

How many of you are not happy with your life or who you are?

When did you learn to take care of you? And how is your life now that you do?

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I love you


When you say I love you and they don’t say it back it hurts. I know from experience this very thing, though the words are spoken, the feeling is not there. You tell yourself they will and you tell your heart to wait for them to change their heart of hearts and pick you. You tell yourself that one day they will love you the same way you love them, since all you need is love, but then you remember that you can’t force love and there is no some day. There is just now and your heart that pains the truth of no gift back from the one person you long to have in your life.

I know this very well, since I am still trying to let go and no matter who I am with I still think of them and I still can’t escape the feelings or the memories that were actually worth having and worth keeping. I know it’s a lost cause to hold on, but my heart still does, but then I realized something huge. I realized that God gave us each a heart to love and show compassion for someone and to give without any expectancy to get back. To simply love because we love and no other reason. I love this someone simply because I love them and I have expressed it in so many ways, shapes and forms and I am not expecting a return because I know there is nothing that fallows, but I feel good knowing they know and just loving someone feels good to me.

I also know that one day I will feel what it’s like to be given love in return and what it is love to give to one that returns and the wait will have been worth it. It may not be the someone I want now or in the past, but it will be someone who will love me the same and that is a very special love to share and hold onto.

I am now accepting of what my heart feels and I am not in denile of it and I am not running from it any longer because it is a gift to love and it is a blessing. It is one of the most wonderful things about why I love souls and why I love God for his creation of man. For all the love that is still existent in this world. For all the hearts that love without expectancies, but simply love because they love.

Love is beautiful and I am glad I love

One day I will feel it back and that day I will look up and know God has heard my prayers, but for now my love is there and present and is among the world and many feel it. For I love many and I love many things and I love many animals and creations of God. I love because God gave me a heart to love and I love because without love there is nothing. I love because there is nothing but love inside of me to give.

I love because I have a heart

Why do you love? How do you love? And who do you love?

 

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Borders & Limitations


 As an Indigo I find it very hard to understand the reason for the borders. I have heard many human souls express their anger and dislike of others not of their nation crossing their borders and finding a life for themselves. I simply do not understand why there is so much dislike there. This is a large world and we all live in it. There is no owner of it. There is God and then there is us living on this earth that many humans claim as theirs first.

 

This isn’t kindergarten. “I had it first.” Though that is a lack of sharing behaviour, a well that I also find confusing; what is wrong with sharing something wonderful and making it better?

 

Don’t you see that you are being treated like cattle and being separated and divided by borders and limitations that bind you to one place based on where you were born and raised? We might as well have tags on our bodies that say what group we belong to and where we must remain forever. Imagine the life we all could have if there weren’t so many limitations and borders.

Though this couldn’t even apply without many other factors I need to cover as well. One being that you need to be more loving and considerate towards another. We are family and we should treat each other as such. Yes there are disagreements between us but having the ability and patience to overcome the childish ways of acting out on them in foolish ignorant ways will completely shift the way we live and make a better tomorrow. It’s not about, “It’s mine.” Or, “I had it first” or even, “She’s black or white.” Whatever the differences may be or the disagreements may be, “His car should be red and faster.”  Why make things into an unlivable environment when you can agree to disagree and find coexistence between each other. An equal ground.

 

If there were an equal ground beneath us imagine the possibilities of life. A world without limitations and borders dividing us and separating us from, in many cases our loved ones based on whether we belong or not. Or what lies in our wallets. Merely on, I’d like to live near the mountains and have the ability to choose where you grow old and raise a family. What a beautiful life for everyone that would be.

 

There is many problems in removing borders and limitations I can see, but I stand by it is wrong and unearthly to have such. I believe in equality and love. I believe in having the freedom to live where you are passionate to live surrounding yourself with the beauties of life this world has to offer.

 

There are gaps in this simply because there are many human souls with ignorant minds who set to be cruel to others and gain power. I understand borders on that account, but I disagree on borders and limitations to those who simply want the good life and have no intention of harming the way of life on the other side. Separating us from each other will not bring peace. I would like to see borders having fewer limitations to those who pose no threat to the safety of others. Who only want to be close to their loved ones or travel? Or gain experience… whatever it may be that has a positive effect. These souls should not receive guilty treatment. It is wrong and unearthly and I see no understanding in it.

 

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I am Indigo


What is an Indigo?

I’d ask the same, but the answer is complex and there is no way to possibly describe it in simplicity, but I will do my best. An Indigo, such as myself is a Spirit that is as many would label ET. We are very much alien compared to human souls who know only life on earth and in Heaven and back again. Human souls repeat a process over and over learning lessons and growing as human souls only to repeat the same lessons.

Indigo’s have had experience beyond what a human soul could comprehend. We have lived lives on other planets, traveled through dimensions and experienced higher levels of intellect and the ability to love.

“Different, crazy, weird, strange, odd.” Have all been labelled on us. We are too complex for a human mind to understand. We see life differently and living a life as a human is confusing and hard for us considering all the limitations and lack of growth this planet has compared to other lives we’ve lived.

I for one know love differently than what I have observed as love on this planet and it makes me upset to see.

I disagree with a lot of the rules and laws in this world and plan on blogging about it.

Indigo’s have a certain confidence human souls find confusing and may not understand it. I for one know this very well. After living in crystal city’s and choosing to live a life as a human, you can imagine the transition.

We are souls that have chosen to be here. Consider us the teachers of tomorrow… today. We are here for many reasons, one being to shape the way of life. To share a better way of eating, working, living and growing. A life where there can very much be a possibility of heaven on earth.

We aim to en-lighten you and we scowl at your stupidity to see the truth of this world. The negatives that chain you down, we disagree with the way of teaching and we rebel against the rules you set for us for the better good which clearly has no good at all for us.

I am an Indigo adult. I am different from a human soul and know it. I am not afraid to be who I am as every other Indigo should feel for themselves. There is a teaching in our love and it starts through acceptance and love of ourselves and generates out words in waves, like an ocean.

I am sensitive and sometimes the emotions of others are worn in my heart because of my heightened empathy for others. I am intuitive and psychic and I am a truth detector, although many times in the past I fail to listen to my radars in hopes I’m wrong about people. Ignorance and rudeness goes nowhere with me. I only want to bring about good and my strength in spirit and heart to do so will always master all negatives.

I chose to be here and take the journey God has given to me. I remember clearly the moment before I was born and after. I knew as a young child I was special and here for a reason and a purpose. I knew I was a healer and to help. I struggled through life because as an Indigo growing up in such a brutal world filled with negatives and illness, it is very over whelming and a moment alone in a quiet place. A moment with my thoughts and God helps a great deal. Other Indigo’s will understand this.

My song inside is singing and here is my voice. I am speaking out. I am reaching out to other Indigo’s and I am allowing my inner star to shine bright for those who are in need of an awakening so they too can sing their brilliant song.

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What’s Wrong with this Picture?


Besides the fact that I’m face down on my desk as though I’ve passed out?

 

 

Do you see it? Anything particularly odd about it. Stop looking at me with my face down. Ignore that part. lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok here is a closer picture of it.

Doesn’t that look really odd where my ear is. I swear it’s Jesus. Hallelujah. What’s he doing on my ear though. Ha!

I love you Jesus, but get off my ear, your giving me an ear ache. <3

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Heart Of A Lion


I’ve never been dumped before, feels like that’s what’s happening. I guess I can’t be surprised under the circumstances.

To think every man I either loved or start to turns into a different person than I expect. True colors are revealed. I’ll not be so naive next time. Looking for love is not the answer. Letting love find you is how love should happen. Natural and kind in action. I have ignored anyone who has told me this and just searched on, only to find yet another frog.

Hmm… I am blessed though, I am loved and I am thankful of all God has given to me and no matter what obstacles I have to face or what seems like disaster to others, I will shine rainbow colors and see the good where others see darkness. After all, we create our own misery and happiness. It is this I have come to gather over my time on earth.

There is a heart beat in the depth of destruction, that shakes the walls of bricks and boulders, that hold the house of chambers. There is a sound heard, only by those who listen and there is a whisper from lips of your own, only by those who see this. We search what we seek in a manner of desperation only to find the reflection we stare into, our own. We must learn to create a light and love for what we are given and shine grateful, honest hearts of what we have. Blessings come through this, through sand of salty foot steps. We must see where it is dark and guide when there is no one. For it is us that decide our fate. All in the way we live through our own eyes. We create a reflection. I am saddened by my present only because I was fooled, but I am thankful of what God has given me and see my life in sunlight. There is so much beauty. :) For this I am grateful.

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Poetry Day “Entry Twelve”


Land of fever, hot as sand

fire of rivers, cover your hands

Standing tall, on a blanket of stars

Sinking in salt water, drinking word in a whisper of lambs

Over the mountain of a river of warm

Cover my body in a man of my soul

A part of my family, he is with my stars

A part of the heavens, an angel he stands

Sounds of the rain drops, kissing the ground

My lips pink of roses, my eyes bright as blue

Holding my hand, in a moment, of truth

My breath now a whisper of tomorrows day beau

lighting my sky up, I paint on the moon

Old friend is no longer, so I must fall forward in a rhythm of feet

Pounding the pavement in, a dance, of ballet

Here comes my music

Are you ready for me

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Appointment coming up


It’s getting closer and closer to Thursday when I have to go get my colposcopy done which makes me frightened. I’ve had bad dreams about it, I know they are just dreams and it will probably be easier than I think and fear it will be, but… I worry still. I don’t like the idea that I will have to be alone in the hospital room while it’s happening. I wish someone I loved could be there to hold my hand and reassure me with touch everything’s okay and is going to be and that I’m safe.

I hate hospitals

Can you all send me good vibes and blessings this Thursday at 1:00 Vancouver time and imagine your holding my hand and comforting me and letting me know you are all there with me? Could you please. It would mean so much to me, to at least know and feel the love and comfort, knowing I am not alone. I know jesus and his angels will be there with me as they are, but I’d like to ask you to. <3 prayer is powerful and it is a magical thing. It is extraordinary and unbelievable how much we can all communicate with just a thought, or a feeling. More than we can even believe or imagine.

Will you… please?